Assumptions
I walked across the tracks to Kirkwood yesterday, my old hood, to sit outside at a coffee shop. On my way home I had to cross a street that has a pedestrian walkway. It is not one of those that has a light or a sign demanding that pedestrians have the right of way. It is merely a painted walkway that drivers either choose to notice or not. A woman in a grey Nissan Leaf kindly stopped for me. As I stepped into the street I looked at her. It was Dina, my stepmother. She was in my dad’s car. I proceeded to do a very strange interpretive dance (kind of warrior woman) for her and make mocking faces as I crossed. Noticing her laughing response, my teasing attitude grew bigger, my faces more grotesque. Finally, I walked to the passenger side to talk to her. That is when I saw the reality of the situation. The woman behind the wheel was not Dina. She was a complete stranger who was terrified that I was approaching her car. Her arms were flying up and down, her eyes bulging, her mouth spewing words at me. I am glad that I couldn’t hear them. She had not actually been laughing at my dance. She had been screaming in horror. Truly! Screaming!! I tried to get her to roll down the window so that I could explain but as I got close, she leaned her entire weight onto the gas and sped away. I hope our paths never cross again. What must she assume has happened to the cool town of Kirkwood? (And how scary was that dance?!)
I saw that Nissan Leaf, and a tall woman with short hair and glasses, and I made an assumption. I’m sure that was not my only incorrect assumption of the day.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could go into each moment with guileless, ignorant wonder? What if we could at least meet each situation or person with no preconceived notions? What if we encouraged the other to talk first? We all have pain and personal experiences informing our decisions. It is tempting to assume that someone who is on the opposing side of an issue is wrong and needs to be righted. But all we can really do, I’m realizing, is to try to be a safe enough space for them to be able to share the pain that may have informed that choice.
I myself am on ‘the wrong side’ (according to some people I respect) on a few issues - I unschooled my kids, we used homeopathic vaccinations, I eat meat (only local, grass fed organic, but still,) I am not letting my hair go completely grey, I don’t like every cat and won’t ever have one again…
I would be happy to tell you my reasoning behind all of these choices and to hear you tell me why I may want to think differently.
I have absolutely been known to scream my opinions in righteous anger. I am proud of my son who has gone to so many protests against the treatment of blacks by police.
Lately, I’m feeling like I want to give the other side, or the individual who sees things differently, all the room they need to state their case. I want to really listen. Maybe it will help me to come from love, not anger.
One can’t assume that someone is eating badly, drinking too much, leaving a job or a relationship, not getting vaccinated, getting vaccinated, or making any choice simply because they don’t know better. It isn’t always a matter of information. There are powerful forces at work determining our decisions, both from the big wheels of profit motivation and from insipid internal ghosts. And we are all receiving crazy amounts of information.
One more story of assumption: Maddie, my sister’s niece by marriage, was very close to Bhu (my sister.) On her first restaurant shift, after Bhu had died, Maddie served a couple who were really impatient. Maddie ended up losing her composure and then apologized, explaining to them that her aunt had just died. They softened and apologized as well. They explained that this was their first meal out after losing their son. The couple, and Maddie, had all been incorrect in assuming that this 'other' was just horribly rude. In their vulnerability, they became fellow human beings.
I commit to being more aware of my assumptions.
Less assumptions, less rightness, more relationship.
Love,
Madeline
